Setting Boundaries at the Holidays

Setting boundaries around the holidays can feel much harder than it does year-round.  Why are boundaries around the holidays so hard – at work, at home, with your chosen family, with your family of origin??? 

We increasingly live in boundaryless environments with no structure around our home life, our work life, our personal life, and our public life.  So, it is up to us to define the contours of what is acceptable in our home life; what role we want work to play in our life; what aspects of our life we want to keep private; and what parts of our life we want to share more broadly.  

Boundaries have been defined in a plethora of different ways. Nedra Tawwab defines boundaries as “words or actions that you communicate to someone to feel safe, secure, and supported in a relationship.” They can take many forms, including limits on your time, your energy, around your relationships, at work, etc. Brene Brown says a boundary is “defining what’s ok with me and what’s not.” Amanda Doyle defines boundaries as “something that clarifies what we are responsible for and what we’re not responsible for.”

How do you know you need to set a boundary during the holidays?

Typically, you know you need a boundary when the holiday triggers anxiety, when certain people or situations make you uncomfortable, or when you feel resentment about the way you are treated by someone. Pay attention to your feelings about people and specific situations to determine what exactly is triggering these feelings. 

These feelings are a bodily sign that: 

• You are prioritizing other people’s comfort over your own. 
• You are handling matters that are not your responsibility. 
• You are taking care of other people’s emotional well-being at the expense of your own. 
•  You are saying yes out of obligation rather than desire.

Ask yourself the hard questions: 

• How am I contributing to this situation?  
• What do I need to say to stop colluding in this pattern of behavior? 
• What makes this person think that it is OK to treat me this way?

How do you set a boundary during the holidays?

To set a boundary, you have to awaken to your inner authority.  This inner authority might be called intuition or inner knowing, or self-leadership. Setting boundaries at the holidays takes a great amount of self-awareness because you have to be in touch with what you need to enjoy the holidays before you can express it or act on it.  Importantly, the boundary has to be about protecting yourself rather than controlling others.

Ask yourself the hard questions: 

• What would make me more comfortable during the holidays? 
• What is my responsibility? 
• By saying yes to a party/outing/responsibility, what will I need to say “no” to?

Once you decide how you want to proceed, you don’t have to confront anyone or make a giant proclamation about why you are setting a boundary. You can simply speak for yourself, announce your intentions, and follow through with your actions.  Resist the temptation to over-explain your reasoning. Providing too much detail can give ammunition to the other person to start making you feel bad about what you’re asking for. 

A few tips:

• Speak clearly and be direct.
• Set expectations for future holidays.
• Follow through with your actions.
• Hold people accountable when they breach it.

It is really that simple and that hard.

Once you have set boundaries, how do you maintain them?

Restate your boundary and follow up with a consequence when people cross it. You have to realize that some people will not want to adhere to your boundaries around the holidays, no matter how reasonable they are. It is not your job to rationalize your needs or convince your family to respect your limitations. Instead of questioning yourself, cultivate radical acceptance for the fact that some people will make you feel like a difficult person for taking care of yourself. And, continuously remind yourself that you are worth taking care of.

For those tricky individuals who continuously challenge your boundaries, ask yourself the hard questions: 

• What would a healthy relationship look like with this person? 
• What do I need to stay in a relationship with this person? 
• How can I renegotiate the relationship?

As time goes on, you may need to refine your boundaries to keep you comfortable and allow you to be connected. People with a lot of boundaries – especially folx in recovery – created them to stay safe.  Over time, those same boundaries can start to feel constrictive. It’s totally OK to let go of boundaries that no longer serve you. 

This holiday season, if you need a reminder that you are worthy of love and respect, pour yourself a warm cup of tea. Let the warmth on your hands be a physical reminder that you are loved. You are worthy. You are enough.

I hope this blog post lets you navigate the holiday season with greater ease and joy. Remember, anything or anyone that doesn’t light you up is too small for you.

xx, Sarah-Nell

Resources

Podcasts:

• https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/boundaries-are-too-few-or-too-many-why-we-stay-stuck/id1564530722?i=1000522110392
• https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-say-no-boundaries-with-nedra-glover-tawwab/id1564530722?i=1000577043072
• https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dr-bren%C3%A9-brown-on-holding-boundaries-facing-our-fear/id1564530722?i=1000543696295
• https://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/3-boundaries-you-must-set-in-every-relationship

Books:

• A Princess and Her Garden 
• Set Boundaries, Find Peace

Instagram:

• @nedratawwab 
• @silvykhoucasian